I am not sure who wrote this and apparently it has been circulating since Reagan was running for president. But I do love it and thought I would share. Enjoy!
--- This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issed by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.
After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to ny house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department.
I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic and Fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Make sure you add the part about W walking on water.
Recently a friend of mine called a website to my attention. It was about the Conservative Bible Project. It is about the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. This is the entire website: http://ow.ly/t1yr
What follows is a part of the article and in parentheses are my own snarky comments.
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[2]
1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias (because "liberal bias" is in everything to the extreme conservative mind.)
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity (because only men are Christians. Mary, Mary Magdalene were horrible people, therefore women should not be included in the message of Jesus Christ.)
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3] (God forbid some redneck or black man ever read the message of God.)
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". (Because only the right can truly translate ancient Greek and Aramaic.)
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";[5] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census (and this really matters?)
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. (My liberal NIV has just as much mention of hell & the devil as the ol' KJV)
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning (the Bible is a book of life. For the economy check out something written by Ben Stein. Jesus was a carpenter, not an economists.)
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story (while we are being inclusive, try the book of Mary or the Gnostic Gospels.)
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels (Open Mindedness suggests liberalism. . . you might want to rethink this.)
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." (Jesus quote here: "I am." It doesn't matter if you call him Roger the Hairy Muskrat. . . God Is. You are really splitting hairs here.)
{That's it, I am done. . . for now.}
What follows is a part of the article and in parentheses are my own snarky comments.
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[2]
1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias (because "liberal bias" is in everything to the extreme conservative mind.)
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity (because only men are Christians. Mary, Mary Magdalene were horrible people, therefore women should not be included in the message of Jesus Christ.)
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3] (God forbid some redneck or black man ever read the message of God.)
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". (Because only the right can truly translate ancient Greek and Aramaic.)
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";[5] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census (and this really matters?)
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. (My liberal NIV has just as much mention of hell & the devil as the ol' KJV)
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning (the Bible is a book of life. For the economy check out something written by Ben Stein. Jesus was a carpenter, not an economists.)
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story (while we are being inclusive, try the book of Mary or the Gnostic Gospels.)
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels (Open Mindedness suggests liberalism. . . you might want to rethink this.)
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." (Jesus quote here: "I am." It doesn't matter if you call him Roger the Hairy Muskrat. . . God Is. You are really splitting hairs here.)
{That's it, I am done. . . for now.}
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Relative Age
I am young, you are old.
My two best friends and I are of three different ages. I am 34, the one we will call "SG" is about 33 1/2 and the one we will call "CC" is newly 33. It works out like this:
MG=Oldest
SG=Older
CC=Old
And the converse is true:
MG=Young
SG=Younger
CC=Youngest
Therefore MG is Young while CC is Old. Sorry SG.
My two best friends and I are of three different ages. I am 34, the one we will call "SG" is about 33 1/2 and the one we will call "CC" is newly 33. It works out like this:
MG=Oldest
SG=Older
CC=Old
And the converse is true:
MG=Young
SG=Younger
CC=Youngest
Therefore MG is Young while CC is Old. Sorry SG.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Camp Needs Us
Say the word "Camp" to any United Methodist in the North Alabama Conference and they will know instantly you mean the little 'place of rest and vision' near Gallant, Alabama. Memories immediately come to mind of the Chigger Bowl, Cabin #9, the Lake and the hike up the Mountain to the Cross and Chapel. We have memories of friends we made and will keep forever, the spiritual growth, and the 'Buttercup.' If you share these memories. . . take heart. This summer might be the last for anyone to have these experiences. Sumatanga is in a bad way financially speaking, but you can help. United Methodists and anyone who ever graced the assembly hall or lodge. . . get moving. Beg, borrow and steal (okay maybe not that last one.) Tell your congregation what is happening. They will respond. We just have to get the word out. Follow Sumatanga on Facebook, Twitter or whatever internet incarnation and get the word out and check your pockets for the cash this Institution. You know how much it means to you. I thank you, Sumatanga thanks you, and the future generations of campers thank you.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Soccer Dog
Friday night I was attending a wonderful cook-out at my sister's home. I was celebrating my nephew's 12th birthday. Among the guests were about 30 kids his age. Some of the little ones were playing with a soccer ball when a little Yorkie showed up from the neighbor's house. It (not sure if it was male or female) decided it wanted to play too and had a ball literally. Have a look:
Eventually the pup's human came to pick it up. Little guy was not too happy to leave. But had a great little time and was the life of the party.
Eventually the pup's human came to pick it up. Little guy was not too happy to leave. But had a great little time and was the life of the party.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Little One
I have wowed you with my exploits of growing too old flower seeds. But I do have brand spankin' new plants to grow.
Namely tomatoes and peppers. I have seven pepper plants and five tomato plants. One of which is the "runt" of the "litter." I had to plant this one. It is part a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree kind of thing and part remembering my first days of gardening.
When I was little, growing up in Western Cullman County I had a great neighbor, Ocie Glover. One spring she was "thinning out" her rows of corn. She pulled six small stalks to be tossed away. Feeling sorry for the poor plants I asked if I might plant the on the side of the garden. She said "sure." I planted, weeded and tended them all summer for 10 ears of corn. The next summer I had my own three rows of garden with tomatoes. peppers, okra, watermelon and of course corn. By the end of my time there I had half the garden to myself with beans and squash added.
Back to the "runt." I think that even the smallest of plants, or people for that matter, can do great things. Let the "runts" have a chance, I do. I will keep you posted on the growth of all things, fruit, animal, vegetable and mineral.
Namely tomatoes and peppers. I have seven pepper plants and five tomato plants. One of which is the "runt" of the "litter." I had to plant this one. It is part a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree kind of thing and part remembering my first days of gardening.
When I was little, growing up in Western Cullman County I had a great neighbor, Ocie Glover. One spring she was "thinning out" her rows of corn. She pulled six small stalks to be tossed away. Feeling sorry for the poor plants I asked if I might plant the on the side of the garden. She said "sure." I planted, weeded and tended them all summer for 10 ears of corn. The next summer I had my own three rows of garden with tomatoes. peppers, okra, watermelon and of course corn. By the end of my time there I had half the garden to myself with beans and squash added.
Back to the "runt." I think that even the smallest of plants, or people for that matter, can do great things. Let the "runts" have a chance, I do. I will keep you posted on the growth of all things, fruit, animal, vegetable and mineral.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
What to do? What to do?
So summer is almost here and with that my Tuesday and Wednesday nights are empty. And I mean 'empty' not just 'open.' Tuesday's for the past several months has been devoted to Mountain Valley Singers (More on this later). I don't always like the music but I love the people who devote their time to this endeavor. And Wednesday nights have been for dinner at church, vespers and choir practice. This came to an end tonight. This begs the question, "What to do? What to do?"
We'll Matthew found some seed envelopes in the garage Tuesday. I have red poppies, something called Jump Up Johnny, Alyssum, painted daisies, a random assortment of wildflowers, baby's breath, a decorative grass and carrots (don't ask because I don't know.)
The seed packets were intended for use 3 years ago, but I thought I would give them a shot. Check back for updates on the little guys. I have also put out a few tomato plants, including one runt of a plant. I hope to update this too. No pictures yet because it was already too dark, sorry.
We'll Matthew found some seed envelopes in the garage Tuesday. I have red poppies, something called Jump Up Johnny, Alyssum, painted daisies, a random assortment of wildflowers, baby's breath, a decorative grass and carrots (don't ask because I don't know.)
The seed packets were intended for use 3 years ago, but I thought I would give them a shot. Check back for updates on the little guys. I have also put out a few tomato plants, including one runt of a plant. I hope to update this too. No pictures yet because it was already too dark, sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
