Make sure you add the part about W walking on water.

Recently a friend of mine called a website to my attention. It was about the Conservative Bible Project. It is about the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. This is the entire website: http://ow.ly/t1yr

What follows is a part of the article and in parentheses are my own snarky comments.

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[2]

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias (because "liberal bias" is in everything to the extreme conservative mind.)
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity (because only men are Christians. Mary, Mary Magdalene were horrible people, therefore women should not be included in the message of Jesus Christ.)
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3] (God forbid some redneck or black man ever read the message of God.)
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". (Because only the right can truly translate ancient Greek and Aramaic.)
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";[5] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census (and this really matters?)
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. (My liberal NIV has just as much mention of hell & the devil as the ol' KJV)
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning (the Bible is a book of life. For the economy check out something written by Ben Stein. Jesus was a carpenter, not an economists.)
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story (while we are being inclusive, try the book of Mary or the Gnostic Gospels.)
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels (Open Mindedness suggests liberalism. . . you might want to rethink this.)
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." (Jesus quote here: "I am." It doesn't matter if you call him Roger the Hairy Muskrat. . . God Is. You are really splitting hairs here.)

{That's it, I am done. . . for now.}